i showed up at the contact jam yesterday even though i wasn’t feeling all that great. i thought i’d try it out, maybe just move on my own for a while if that was all i felt up for.
but i actually danced a lot. after a first fantastic dance with someone whose body and movements i’m quite familiar with, i wound up with a gentleman who i haven’t always connected with physically. this time, though, i thought i’d just stick with myself, try to stay present and find our point of contact, even if it meant we didn’t do much more than lean against each others’ shoulders.
what surprised me was that being patient, staying with him and where we were in the dance–rather than purposefully trying to create something more impressive–really paid off. slowly my pressure against him led to his clear and firm response, and eventually we were dancing in a way that felt very new between us. it was nothing “impressive,” necessarily, but it felt good and true.
later, i danced with a relative newcomer to contact who is not particularly aware of her body or injuries she could cause, and who doesn’t have a strong sense of contact etiquette. again, though, i felt grounded, and allowed myself to do what i wanted to do, rather than what i sensed that she wanted me to do. so when she held a certain position, hoping i’d climb on top of her, i didn’t do it if i didn’t feel like it. i stuck with what i felt like doing, but tried to remain as connected with her as possible the whole time. and it felt very satisfying.
this all sounds very abstract, but i’m writing about it because lately i’ve been thinking about what an amazing analogy dance can provide for life, and how it can give some lovely insights into what’s going on inside us. i think contact provides a particularly apt metaphor, but all dance and physical movement can parallel how we’re experiencing life and ourselves and our relationships.
right now i’m reading a book by a buddhist nun that my boss lent me. it has honestly caused a small revolution for me, and i find myself becoming more present and grounded, and not trying quite as hard to make everything work out the way i want it to. it’s showing up in my dancing–in my ability to just give pressure to my contact partners and see what arises, without aiming for anything; in giving, but without giving myself away. when i danced yesterday, suddenly i wondered if i could be totally engaged in the dance while still “seeing the room.” an analogy for trying to be fully in a relationship or engaging situation while still remaining present in the world? maybe.
even the ambiguities are similar. when i meditate, i still wonder sometimes how much effort i should put into letting go of my thoughts and focusing on my breath. if i don’t try at all, i won’t get anywhere, but if i try too much, then i’m not being truly present. simultaneously, i find myself wondering about my body–if i should really make an effort to get my sacrum under me, keep my core strong, shoulders back, head up, or if i should just let my body do what it wants while i’m focusing on my breath.
there aren’t any answers; in fact, maybe learning to handle the ambiguities and lack of clarity, in body and in mind, is the point.
